Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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