I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
