i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
