Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
