kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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