Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
