my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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