We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
