conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
