I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
The air taste purple.
Randomize
