Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize