I hate your face
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
