Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
