i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
