i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
