I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize