I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I think I just sharted jello shots
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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