planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Randomize
