I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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