But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
The dick lei will go down in squad history
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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