His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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