I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
