Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
