Girls should come with a carfax report
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
