Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
You are a genius and a whore.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
