seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
