i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
