Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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