I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
