i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
