i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
im six kinds of drunk right now
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Randomize
