im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
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