I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
