4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
