Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
