if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
It's official drugs can't kill me
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
