I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I feel great
I just peed on a car
I love having hate sex.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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