I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
