are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
