Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Randomize
