it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
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