I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
