I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
