my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize