hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
