yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
