sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
