I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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