The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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