There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
