Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
