I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
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