I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
