i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
