I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
