Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
So much Jack, so little girl.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
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