Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
