I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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