I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Randomize
