I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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