Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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