The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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