I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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