how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
