I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
