I accidentally had phone sex last night
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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